Reparations Bistro – Wealthy Portland Man Opens A Café Where African Americans Dine For Free

Portland, Oregon) – Lloyd Derringer was born to a wealthy, elite family of bankers and stock investors. He spent most of his childhood and adolescent years travelling the world with his parents, experiencing a multitude of different cultural traditions. Derringer was home-schooled but when he turned 18 he decided to pursue higher academia and began applying to several of the top liberal arts colleges around the world.

It wasn’t long before he was accepted into the illustrious and world-renowned Virgeld University where he immersed himself in coursework relating primarily to women’s studies, gender and race issues. It was here that he developed a passion for advocating on the behalf of oppressed victims of bigotry and vowed to apply what he had learned in college to make a difference in the world.

Not long after graduation, Derringer acquired the funds that would enable him to turn his dreams into reality. His wealthy uncle Percy Derringer had passed away, leaving him with an inheritance of over a quarter of a billion dollars.

“Reparations Bistro” opened it’s doors in September of 2011 in the gentrified North Portland district as a way of paying the people of color back, as well as any other downtrodden minorities and casualties of white greed. “We proudly invite old residents of this neighborhood back to dine here, free of charge”, Derringer added. He has even expanded the menu and added a “soul food” section to cater to ethnic groups who may not enjoy the rest of the pricey fare available at his swanky bistro. Things like southern fried chicken, ribs, fried catfish, chitterlings and grits. “Don’t forget the bottomless grape Kool Aid!” Derringer enthusiastically exclaims.

“The café also has an extensive “LGBTQ menu” featuring specialized dishes that cater specifically to gays, lesbians, trans people and bisexuals. “We wanted to make sure every guest at Reparations Bistro felt accounted for. We really wanted to go the extra mile to cater to vexed underdogs, something that mainstream eateries oftentimes completely overlook when compiling their menu selections. We are also pushing for legislation to make it mandatory that all restaurants start featuring an “entitlement menu” for martyrs of tyranny who might be subjected to unnecessary racism and prejudice given the limited choices of most standard restaurants.”

“Our guests appreciate the fact that we have taken the time to research and replicate the foods that they resonate with the most and that correctly represent their cultures and lifestyles. For instance, most people in the mainstream are completely unaware that militant feminist lesbians subsist on a diet primarily of oatmeal and cold gruel. We have painstakingly perfected these dishes and as a result we have cultivated a very loyal following. We have also hired a female waitress who caters specifically to our lesbian guests who will never “mansplain” anything on the menu to them. Also, lesbians are never pressured or required to leave tips for our wait staff because we are aware it’s against their religion.”

Some aren’t so thrilled about Derringer’s restaurant. Shamika Main who was a former resident of Northeast Portland prior to the gentrification told us the following “I don’t need no rich cracker pattin’ me on the head fore’ he throws a plate of slop in front of me trying to say it makes up for all the stuff done in slavery times and messin’ up my old hood. That is straight up offensive! Y’all owes us a lot more than some grits and a cup of koolaid. Get your mind right!”

Others don’t agree with the café’s policy that whites must pay double to eat at the café, nor are whites allowed to use their restroom. “It’s only fair”, Derringer quips. “Our current status as a nation is due to white men exerting their oppression over everything in every socio-political-economic system. I think it’s high time they get a dose of their own medicine.” When we reminded Derringer that he was a white man, and a multi-millionaire who seemed to be profiting from a restaurant that seemed to encourage the oppression of white men, he instantly became hostile and snapped, “Clearly you don’t understand the dynamics of systems of oppression in the United States! What are you, racist?”

Evidently it appears that Reparations Bistro is doing quite well despite Derringers unconventional convictions. As we prepared to depart we passed several tables packed with husky, grunting creatures of questionable gender, digging into generous portions of fishy smelling grey porridge. A mousey bespectacled female waitress darted between tables shelling out plate after plate of this mysterious gruel amid a din of bovine grunts, bellows and clattering silverware.

After bidding Derringer adieu, we noticed a scruffy homeless Vietnam veteran at the front entrance asking the furious looking waitress how much a simple plate of biscuits and gravy to go would be. “For you… 100 dollars”, she shot back.